I feel like people must think I’m doing a lame workout, or that I could go harder or faster, or wondering why I always seem to be doing the same exercises over and over. The other people in the gym may or may not actually think this about me, because most of those judgements are in my head. But it does make me self-conscious at times. I’m judging myself based on standards I either hold myself to, or standards I think others believe in.
I had a lady date to see Wonder Woman last night, and I loved every minute of it. But while watching the movie I kept thinking to myself, I wish Wonder Woman looked more like Serena Williams. I felt like any person who was strong enough to ward off bullets with her forearms, jump to the top floor of buildings, and punch through walls, should at least have some muscle mass, and let’s be real, Gal Gadot ain’t doing any powerlifting.
I can’t think of a single vacation, trip, performance, or event since I was 15 that I hadn’t felt the pressure to lose weight beforehand. There have been so many instances where I told myself I needed to get “Bikini Ready” so that I could fully enjoy the experience I was planning on having. The focus is often on how we think we should look to impress other people. Finally, I was participating in an event that not only didn’t ask me to look perfect, but actually encouraged me to be comfortable baring it all with the body I have.
I suddenly had a flash of all the events that I didn’t take pictures at, because I was in my bathing suit, and I didn’t want a picture of myself; so many days and great moments and memories to be grateful for that I have no documentation of because I was so worried what people would think if they saw me in my bikini.